


guess we both have secrets.

by Ihateyouandyourmum



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pararibulitis (Dirk Gently), Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 12:44:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18894904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ihateyouandyourmum/pseuds/Ihateyouandyourmum
Summary: if there was one thing that people knew about Todd is that he was good at keeping secrets until it was absolutely necessary that they weren't secrets any more.maybe dirk can be the one to open him up.





	guess we both have secrets.

Todd Brotzman had never been one for friends. Even just after college and he was with his band he was never really the nicest guy, to this day he wasn’t really sure why they all stayed with him for so long, he was dick. It was only after his sister got Pararibulitis- the disease that Todd had spent years pretending to have- that he even began to open up slightly.

But he had never met anyone like dirk gently.

Who had the undeniable power to open him up look a book, or maybe Todd was- for some reason- far more open to talk to him.

He was the first person he told that he had faked Pararibulitis.

He was the first person Todd could really call a best friend (which apparently was the same for dirk, which was probably good because Todd was convinced that was the only reason he stuck around; he didn’t know better.)

He was the first person who had genuinely seemed to care about Todd outside of Amanda, who undeniably didn’t care about him now (he didn’t have a right to moan though, if he told dirk about this he supposes he’d say it was the only thing Todd didn’t moan about.)

And he was the first man Todd had found himself loving.

Sure Todd had had crushes on guys before, he’d spent most of high school and his band years in on and off affairs with guys who were ‘bicurious’ and would then eventually dump him off a cliff when they found an attractive girlfriend to snog instead. The closest to a real relationship he had was with Kidder from his former band, but that had been toxic and he can’t really say he had ever really loved him. Especially now he knew what real love felt like.

So it made sense that Dirk would be the first person Todd would tell about him developing Pararibulitis, but he didn’t. and then Dirk was gone.

While Todd would like to say that the 2 months’ dirk was gone was absolutely fine. That Todd hadn’t missed him at all. Todd hadn’t felt this horrible itch under his skin every time he realised that dirk was somewhere, and they didn’t know where, that made him wish he was safe in the arms of his best friend (only his best friend) once again. Wished every time he had a Pararibulitis attack that dirk could be the one to comfort him, to tell him he was ok. Farah was nice, Farah was great, Farah was helping but Farah _wasn’t dirk_. Even when Todd had kissed Farah in a moment of thinking dirk was never coming back and that _this could work_ , and _he could be happy._ he was still thinking about dirk. Their little affair had been cut off soon after. Farah understood.

And then dirk came back and Todd was caught in a mix of desperately trying to hide his Pararibulitis from dirk, and not admitting his feelings, and trying not to hold onto his friend for dear life like he was going to disappear again because _what if he did_.

And this all came to head at the worst moment.

When Todd had run out of pills.

And him and dirk were alone.

And it was awkward because he had started an argument because he wanted these stupid feelings to go away, but all he really wanted was to hug dirk, and this was getting stressful, and he could feel the pressure building up, and he wanted to cry.

And then his hands were disintegrating. Great.

Often in attacks he couldn’t hear himself screaming, like he’d gone deaf suddenly, he only knew from the people who had been around him (mainly Farah) that had heard the apparently heart retching and high pitched squeal of the man in intense pain. It was part of the reason Farah had been so fine with not telling dirk about the attacks, Todd was sure to give it away sooner or later. But Todd hadn’t, he’d tried to stay quiet, he took his meds, pushed his head into pillows, bit his lip and after 2 weeks of- frequent- attacks, dirk hadn’t suspected a thing (what a great detective.)

But there was no hiding this.

Dirk was next to him in seconds, asking him what was wrong, trying to calm him down, telling him to breathe, to look in his eyes, pulling him into the embrace that Todd had been craving for months and had been too afraid to ask until the shaking stopped. And he stops disintegrating and was just a warm out ball of flesh in his arms. More like jelly than an actual human being, his eyes barely open.

“Todd,” the handsome man he could only feel blessed to call a friend whispered, panickily to him. “what was _that_?”

“I-I got Pararibulitis”

The statement hung in the air, freezing it and the men in place, both tensed up but still in the tight embrace from before. Questions hanging over them, fear radiating from the smaller man below. He wasn’t meant to find out this way. He wasn’t meant to find out at all.

He deserved this.

For what he did to Amanda.

He deserved to be this broken, but he didn’t want Dirk to see him as broken.

He didn’t notice he was sobbing.

"When? He had expected dirk to be angry but he was sure this was the softest he had ever heard the man talk to him, low, calming, not the usually high pitched chatter of the usually unusually happy man, it almost lulled his tired body into sleep. 

"T-the day you dissapeared, and i didn't want to tell you because we just g-got you back and i didn't want you to w-worry" sobs wracked his frame, his childhood stutter coming out, prompting dirk to hold on slightly tighter, which Todd hadn't thought was possible.

"How often has this been happening?" Still soft, Todd ducked his head into Dirks stupidly overcolourful jacket before continuing. 

"Every other day... sometimes daily. Farah knows its been" voice crack "bad but... i didnt tell her it was that bad" 

Dirk let out a sigh, finally letting go of the man he had grown to love every so slightly, blaming the need to breathe. God this was _bad._ and thats saying something for dirk gently who... having spent most of his childhood in a glorified science lab wasnt exactly the best at both feeling and expressing emotions. He knew what he wanted to say but phrasing it was something entirely different, like all his psychic visions or whatever where it was more of a feeling than something tangeable. He wanted to tell him that he loved him (even though he probably didnt back) and that he wished he could help more, or that todd had told him or  _something._ but he wasnt mad. He knew todd he probably blamed himself for all of this and felt inadequate and  _broken._ And god Todd had picked the wrong person to put his trust into because dirk gently was not it. Whatever it was. 

"Im not mad at you. I wish you'd told me. I wish i could help because i..."  _love you_ "youre my best friend and i dont want to see you suffer and not do anything or even know you're going through anything " 

Though Todd has his attention on dirk, dirk could tell he was fighting a losing battle against the tiredness of his attack. 

"Maybe for now you should go to sleep"

"Maybe" 

The man began to drift off in his arms.

"I love you" 

_did he just say that_

"i love you too todd."


End file.
